Please Don’t Tell Me I’m Not Fat

I do understand that generally the people you surround yourself with in life don’t want to hurt your feelings. For the most part difficult subjects will either be avoided or treated with great tact. If a difficult issue has to be broached with would still be with your best interests at heart. With that in mind I’m asking for a favour.

 Don’t tell me I’m not fat.

I’m not sure why people feel the need to disagree. Some are being kind. Some are so used to seeing bigger people that maybe they don’t consider me to be fat and that in itself is a problem. Men are trying to flatter me. That’s unnecessary because fat doesn’t mean unattractive.

I’m a serial dieter and perpetual failure. I have never actively managed to lose any more than 7 pounds. I’ve been steadily gaining weight since I was 19. I now stand 5 foot 6 inches tall and weigh 17 stone.

I’d like to tell you that I don’t know how I got to this point. It would be a lie. I remember all the times I ate to excess. I remember the greed that took over. I remember the gorging to the point of throwing up. I long for food all day every day and that’s my affliction.  I feel the guilt, I ignore it, I continue to eat.

Each step of the way I’ve vowed to change my ways. Oh I’m not interested in diets or fads I want to change my lifestyle!! I’ll just have the final supper. O I’m starting Monday or the first of the month or the New Year or never. Take your pick.

I’m vocal about my weight often getting the joke in before anyone else would get the chance. I would refer to it often because it’s always on my mind. You’d think I would do something about it if that was the case but I just don’t seem to be able to master my demons.  So when I reference my weight the usual response is sure you are not fat will you stop.

Well I’m sorry if 7 stone overweight is not fat I don’t know what is? I get that you are trying to not hurt my feelings but saying nothing at all would be better than a fallacy.

I’m not talking about fat shaming by any stretch or means I’m merely asking you not to disagree with me. I’m also not asking you to solve my fatness by telling me the offer on in the local gym. I haven’t solved the problem in over 20 years of trying you are not gonna solve it with one motivational sentence.

I think the lesson I need to take from my frustrations with people telling me that I’m not fat is that I need to reduce the amount of time that I spend talking about it. It’s not fair to burden people with not knowing what to say. It’s not their problem, it’s mine. But just remember this Don’t Tell Me I’m Not Fat because I clearly am!

 

I Worry I’ve Passed My Food Issues Onto My Children

I’ve always thought I was overweight. Smaller in stature than most of my peers paired with a round face I always felt fat even as a young child. Truth being told I didn’t start holding weight until I was in my teens. When my breasts arrived it was game over. It was like the rest of me enlarged to keep up with my sizeable assets.

I’m not at the point where vanity is the last thing on my mind. It’s very much a health issue. Every Monday I begin a new lifestyle and by lunchtime on the very same Monday I have failed in one way or another. Food is my addiction and I’ve never been able to overcome it. I would probably give off the impression that it doesn’t bother me.

It does yet I lack the ability to change.

When my first son arrived it was very much do the right thing food wise even though I wasn’t leading my example. I fed him home cooked everything while I munched on take away while he napped. I was determined to start him off on the right foot so he wouldn’t have to suffer with the issues I have. Continue reading “I Worry I’ve Passed My Food Issues Onto My Children”

Resistance is Futile

I want to give people a little insight into my daily struggle with food. It’s something that I’ve been giving a lot of thought to lately. Food, our source of nourishment, the fuel we need to live, the sustenance that drives us, is none of those things in my mind. Simply put it’s a source of pleasure for me. There is nothing I enjoy more than sitting down and indulging in my favourite foods. Savoury or sweet it’s irrelevant as long as there is plenty of it and I don’t have to share.

In preparing for Operation Transformation myself and the mother had a few frank conversations. I told her things I had never voiced to anyone. One admission being that if myself and the children are eating something I love, I’ll sit and hope that they won’t finish so that I can eat their leftovers. My mother and I laughed out of embarrassment and nervousness. Does that mean I’m a bad mother? Does that mean I’m selfish? Greedy? What I do know is that it’s a big problem.

So addiction is a big word at the moment. Sex addiction, internet addiction and the good traditional ones like alcohol and gambling. Continue reading “Resistance is Futile”

Operation ‘Have I lost my mind?’

Well the cat is out of the bag. You now all know that I have applied for Operation Transformation. For those of you who don’t know Operation Transformation is a show that helps people loose weight and get healthy. Simple eh? Well if it was simple I wouldn’t be looking for help from a television show would I?

So the process began with a very lengthy application form. Continue reading “Operation ‘Have I lost my mind?’”

The Belly Part

I called this blog Blush because I love make up, Babies because I love my children and Belly because I hate my weight. They say you should write about what you know and I certainly know a thing or two about weight. I would like to think that my posts are generally amusing but writing about my weight I find jokes hard to come by. I’m such a cliche, a big girl with a big personality to match. It’s that bubbly disposition that hides, for the most part, how I really feel about my body.

I hate my body

That’s quite a tough sentence to write and even a bit extreme you might say but it’s true. Continue reading “The Belly Part”