Lessons in life can often come from bizarre places. In my case my life lesson came from a faceless crusader on t’internet. I’ll give you a little back story.
I am fat.
Now you are up to speed. This week someone decided to point that fact out to me on my Instagram. Funnily enough this was a fact that I was already acutely aware of. I was not shocked. This was not new information.
It is often the case that even though we know about our flaws and imperfections, hearing them from others can sting a little. This was not the case for me.
I felt nothing.
This was a new experience. And in my best Carrie Bradshaw impression it got me thinking. Why did it not hurt? This was something that would have upset me in the past? Have I become immune to the opinions of others or had I finally accepted my body for what it is?
As is the case with me nothing is straight forward. I have been making efforts to change my body. I have started exercising and attempting to watch what I eat. My efforts have gone largely unrewarded. I have lost 1 kg in over six weeks. It is hardly worth documenting. I was so upset to realise that I had made no changes to my physique. There were giant ugly girl tears. So that kind of contradicts the idea that I am finally accepting my body. If I was accepting why would I be trying to change it?
I actually don’t have the answers.
I know that the changes I’m trying to make come from a place of love rather than self loathing. My mental process is that I am deserving of a better quality of life. I was upset at the lack of change because I felt I had really worked hard. Clearly not hard enough.
I watch plus size women daily preach body positivity and that it’s ok to be in a bigger body and I totally agree. It is ok if that’s what you want. It is no longer something I want. I want to walk into any shop and be able to get something to fit me besides the footwear.
I think the reason the troll’s attempts to make me feel bad failed because I know I am doing something positive. The gym and better eating are making me stronger and I feel empowered. The weight loss, if it ever begins, will just be a positive side effect.
A large portion of how I feel used to come from how I thought I looked. A good dose of denial mixed with good hair and make up used to go a long long way. Now my feeling of value is coming from different places and one of them just happens to be a treadmill………… who’da thunk it eh????