I’m eating nothing!!
If you have read other posts you will be aware of my battle with the bulge. Without trying to sound dramatic, that wouldn’t be like me at all, I liken it to a serious addiction. Food is my drug of choice and I don’t know how to become rehabilitated. I literally flip flop from wanting to loose weight and swearing to make a massive effort to throwing in the towel and accepting that I’ll never be slim. That switch could happen at least four times an hour. Every time professing to anyone that will listen…. this time will be different…..and it never is.
Writing this tonight I’m in binge mode and weight loss is the furthest thing from my mind I’m having a fat food Friday and I’m loving every minute of it. Until tomorrow when I try on my jeans and I’m like 7 pounds of rice shoved into a 5 pound bag. (I think the correct phrase is 7 pound of shit but you know… I didn’t want to be vulgar).
With that in mind I thought, why am I attempting to write about weight loss?, a subject I clearly have no success with. What I should be writing about is how to eat. Now there’s something I know how to do. Furthermore my specialty in the area of eating is how to sneak food while your children are close by. Here are my three top tips on how to eat food without your child’s knowledge. I know we are parents and would die for our children but there’s a difference between death and having to divide the last cheapy milky way out of Aldi four ways!!
Tip 1: Choose items of food you can fit into your mouth in one go.
This is important. Time is of the essence. Kids are quick. How many times have you turned around from the oven only to trip over one of little feckers. No body is sneaking a Lion Bar or a full scone. Bite sized and easy to chew are the way to go. If by chance the only snack available is larger in size my advice to you is to change location. So we open the item in one room and dash to another eating as we go eating, as we go. The child or children will follow but it should be well gone by then.
Tip 2: Research packaging.
Again speed is a factor here. Mine can hear a paper rustling at 50 yards (is that a long distance? I have no clue!). You need to get it open and in as quick as possible. The day I tried to sneak a Kinder Bueno didn’t end well for anyone. There were tears and tantrums and that was just me. I mean no one stands a chance with double wrapping.
Tip 3: Beware of strong smelling items
I recently had a sneaky packet of barbecue flavour crisps on the way home from the petrol station. I strut in cool as a cucumber delighted with my sneaky snack. Leaned down to check some homework. ‘ Why can I smell crispbits?’ That’s what we call them in my house. ‘Because I was eating some.’ I sheepishly admitted. There was no point in lying. I will be sticking to chocolate from here on in.
If the above tips help you with your secret eating all I can saw is…. you are welcome. I have been known to eat with my head so far into the back of the fridge my nose got wet from the condensation. The bathroom has also be utilised which I’m obviously aware is totally gross. So best of luck, may you be swift and safe and whatever you do …… don’t get caught. All I have to look forward to now is the heartburn.