I called this blog Blush because I love make up, Babies because I love my children and Belly because I hate my weight. They say you should write about what you know and I certainly know a thing or two about weight. I would like to think that my posts are generally amusing but writing about my weight I find jokes hard to come by. I’m such a cliche, a big girl with a big personality to match. It’s that bubbly disposition that hides, for the most part, how I really feel about my body.
I hate my body
That’s quite a tough sentence to write and even a bit extreme you might say but it’s true. It goes without saying that my body is not without it’s uses. I’m grateful to my body for giving me my three children. Somehow even though it can be all explained by science pregnancy is some sort of magic. To think that I grew a whole person inside me is mind boggling. Then for six weeks I kept that child alive with milk from my own breasts. No other source only little old me, or in my case not so little me.
I hated my first pregnancy and I blamed a lot of that on the fact I was over weight. On my first visit to the hospital the doctor tapped my records with his pen and without looking up just said. ‘We’ll have to do something about this.’ My partner who was standing further away could not see what he was pointing at. When we got outside he asked me what the doctor was speaking about. My weight I said. My partner was disgusted not only with the manner at which he expressed his concern but how dare he criticise me when the doctor was in fact carrying quite a bit of weight himself. I didn’t feel outraged or anger towards that doctor I just felt shame. I felt ashamed that my weight was ruining my pregnancy and it was all my own doing.
So after something humiliating like that many people have had realisations and changed their lives. As Oprah would call them A Ha moments. Did I change? No. I have had many humiliating moments associated with the size of my body. I’ve had people ask me when I was due. I have had men, yes plural, tell me that they couldn’t fancy me because of my weight. I have had people suggest I sit in the front where there’s more space. Walking across the road in Australia with my cousin late at night both having consumed a wee drink or two and our spirits were high. A homeless man sprang up from behind a wall and screamed ‘would you two fat bitches keep it down’ I looked at my cousin and thought jesus you’ve hit rock bottom when a homeless man is abusing you. Did I change after that? No.
Like most overweight people I have attempted many diets with minor success. The last eight or so years of my life have been tough and I have conquered many of my downfalls. I’m parenting alone and I’m running a house alone and I feel stronger than I have ever felt for as long as I can remember. There’s only one thing left to do now is get to grips with my bad relationship with food. I have the knowledge what I lack is the conviction and focus needed to loose weight. Part of the reason for starting this blog was to make me more mindful. Mindful of my parenting and of the food I consume. I hoped that logging my journey would encourage me and hold me accountable and make me less likely to give up.
So with that in mind. I’ve given myself a starting date because I’m great at procrastinating. Nov 1st and I’m going to try and win this life long battle. I now have three people who rely on me and I’d like to be around to let them bleed me dry in their teens and have me babysit their children too much. I feel like I owe it to myself to be the best possible version of myself and that means loosing a large amount of weight.
I hope the next time I address my weight in my blog that I’ll have big news for you. Maybe if there are other people struggling we could help each other, share recipes or tips. Do challenges together and motivate one another. I know this was kind of a serious post but life is like that from time to time. Now I just have one question burning on my mind? What am I gonna eat next?